Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie