Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.