The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Customer is always right
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.