*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
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Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”