My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno