An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
stop
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.