Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.