*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
You Might Also Like
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Bread puns are on the rise!