I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
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The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.