Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Put this video in the Louvre
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]