I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Thanks to a fan for this one!
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
pictures of spider-man
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.