Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair