I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
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All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Many hands make light work
Alexa; make it look like an accident
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I feel it
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.