*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again