So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
You Might Also Like
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes