It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
the red hot silly peppers
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.