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I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…