That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
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Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life