[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
You Might Also Like
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.