Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
You Might Also Like
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Sniffing the broccoli
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
A small tragedy.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
🙀🙀🙀😹
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say