People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
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Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!