Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
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If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.