I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The sacred texts.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!