We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
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[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad