I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️