principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
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I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Eggs benadryl my favourite