Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
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{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.