i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
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Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
why I oughta
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.