Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!