Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Legend 🤣🤣