Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
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Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.