Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
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Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
The three genders
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?