Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.