Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”