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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.