“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
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[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips