[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
this isn’t threatening at all
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.