I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Buying a well is money well spent.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.