My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
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99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at