[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Seems legit
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat