Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg