*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you