*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
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“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.