Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
#inspiration #foodforthought
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
What’s so funny?
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Always
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)