me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
worst…sale…ever
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?