Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
there’s probably a fee though
Somewhere in an alternate universe
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.