Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
馃悹
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Mom in the 90鈥檚: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 馃檨
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Guilty! 馃お
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.