Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 馃槅馃槄馃檳
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Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
This kid鈥檚 parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don鈥檛 you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you鈥檙e right, i鈥檝e been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Lmao the reply
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
袉f you can鈥檛 afford therapy try garlic bread.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Him: He鈥檚 just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He鈥檚 more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It鈥檚 my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
A ghost story
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account