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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
A bold strategy
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.