So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Great acting.. 😂
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.